Sunday, September 29, 2013

Wake me up when September ends.

I am walking aimlessly in a dark tunnel and I feel so lost. Please wake me up from this dream.

My heart is aching right now.

I ache for my father's embrace, my father's laugh, my father's kisses, my father's smiles, my father's voice, my father's smell. Everything. I miss him so, so much it hurts.

Will it get better? Will I find my way out of this dark tunnel?

I have been asking friends who have experienced loss and all of them said that it's not going to be easy. One friend even opened up about her battle with depression for months and only feeling slightly better just recently.

To be honest, I am terrified of going to that depth of darkness and helplessness but sometimes, we can't help it. I know it's cliche to say this but we are only humans. People kept on saying be strong, stay strong but it's easier said than done. Every smile and every laugh seem so forced now but I need that to make me feel somewhat normal. I need that sense of normalcy.

Right now, I feel numb and I still feel like I'm stuck in this horrible dream. Everything seems to be blurry - I can't even remember meeting my friend a few days ago at McDonald's when she mentioned it earlier..

I hope time heals everything.

I miss you and I love you Ayah.


Saturday, September 28, 2013

My Grieving Heart.

I had a nightmare last week.

I dreamt that my father passed away during a trip to Johor. I remember seeing my sister and her two girls crying, with frantic eyes in front of the elevator. I remember seeing the emergency hotel staffs and paramedics trying to resuscitate him, my mother crying on the edge of the bed, telling me that my father is gone. And I remember feeling like my world came crashing down.

I remember crying and hoping that he would make it eventhough, in my heart I knew that he was gone. I remember every detail but everything seemed so hazy. I remember locking myself in the toilet, crying, and praying to god that my father will be taken care of.

I remember being in the van jenazah, rushing to go back to KL and I remember seeing my brothers, sister-in-law crying and hugging. 

But it wasn't a dream. It was real.

A real nightmare that I am just waiting to wake up from.

It has been a week since my father passed and I feel so, so empty. I feel like a part of me has been ripped off and what is left is just an empty hole. No words can explain how much I miss him, how much I long for his embrace, seeing him smile and laugh.

No words.

But I know he is in good hands, InsyaAllah. That is what makes me go through the day, knowing that he is OK. Safe to say, my father's funeral went on beautifully. There were so much love from families and friends. And that, I thank each and everyone's presence, from the bottom of my heart.

I love you so much Ayah. You were my hero, you still are.

I love you. I love you. I love you.


Thursday, September 19, 2013

Addiction: CURED

I can proudly say right now that I am Candy Crush free!

You can read my addiction with Candy Crush here 

No more Candy Crush, no more imagining candies floating and thinking about those damned chocolates and steels.. NO MORE.

I've deleted the app in my phone a few months ago and to be honest I feel better and happier. Please don't think I deleted it out of my own will.. it takes a level to make a person give up. And yes, I have given up at level 266.

Level 266 is such a PAIN in the a**. I tried and tried for many, many months but apparently Candy Crush doesn't love me anymore. So, I took it as a sign and stopped playing before I go mad. Seriously mad. And to be honest, I was on the verge of becoming mad - I didn't get enough sleep, my head started to get really heavy and my heartbeat was beating really fast...

So one day, I gathered all my strength and clicked "uninstall" and I felt... relieved. 

Right now, the only time I open Candy Crush (only restricted to the computer) is to give out lives and tickets. Mainly to my sister. Once in a while she'll whatsapp me asking for a ticket.

*Message/Whatsapp tone*

Sister: Gimme ticket!!!!

Me: Waiiittt... ok....

*Clicks Candy Crush in Facebook and send lives and ticket*

Me: Sent.

*Off Candy Crush and continue being normal.*

Goodbye Candy Crush, I hope we will NEVER meet again!

Addiction: CURED!


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Of The Conjuring.

Hello people of the world!

Been a while since I posted anything.. I've been busy and am currently swamped with work but I'm just too lazy to do anything right now. Plus 20 more minutes before I go home..

So anyway, have you watched The Conjuring? Well, I have.

And it scared the crap out of me.

I think it has almost been a month since I watched that movie in the cinema and to be honest, I still get spooked. For weeks I would sleep with the lights on...

The thing about horror stories that it stays with me for quite sometime. Maybe I'm just a scaredy cat but... my mind REALLY loves playing tricks on me and I'll end up getting scared for no reason. 

But, as scared as I am, I am really hooked on horror movies. It's like I crave for it.. the thrill, the anticipation. And once I'm in the cinema, I'll scream. And my friends have to endure the sudden screams. Oopsie. Haha. I think horror movies are soo much better than roller coasters. But that's a whole different story...

Wanna play hide and clap, anyone?