Tuesday, October 22, 2013

A month has passed.

It has been a month since my father passed away.

A month of feeling sad.

A month of tears.

A month of grief.

A month of mourning.

A month of coping.

A month of oversleeping.

A month of over tiredness.

A month of stress-caused gastric.

A month of loss.

A month of longing.

A month of memories.

A month of missing.

A month of emptiness.

It has been a month of sitting in the "roller coaster of feelings" too. Sometimes I feel OK, like I can take over the world but sometimes, I feel like breaking down, crying loudly in the car while driving to work or home. I feel safer crying in the car. Nobody's there to hear me. Just me and my thoughts. I feel so, so, sensitive right now. Looking through Facebook posts (especially about my father), pictures and videos can make me cry in a split second. And when I cry, it's really hard to stop. So, what do I do if that happens? I just let the tears flow out, hoping it will stop. And eventually, it does stop.

It has also been a month of pretending to laugh and smile. I laugh and smile on the outside but all I want to do is just wallow, be sad, be lazy and be depressed. But I know if I don't try to feel better, I'm going to be a mess so I try to be normal, in every way I can. And plus, I don't think people would want to be around with a sad, depressed person.. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, though.

Thankfully, I can function. That's important. Although not as fast as before, I can do work - translations, writing and stuffs. But sometimes, I get a bit spaced out.. And whenever I think about my father, I get these gastric pains. The doctor said gastric can be caused by extreme stress and a sudden change of events (I told him about my condition). No wonder.

Haih.

I'll be OK. I know I will.

I miss you, Ayah. Love you. Sleep well.


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