They say I'm doing fine. They say I'm strong.
But, am I? Am I really?
I hope what they say is true.. Cos to be honest, I'm not so sure myself.
It's amazing how a smile and laugh can really cover up your feelings. OK outside but so broken inside. I have yet to heal fully from this tragedy but I am trying my best to take one day at a time. At times, I feel OK and happy but sometimes, I feel so miserable.
I envy my father, in a way. He was happy with his family, though not always peachy (like life is for all), but at least, he lived a full life. He lived to see his wife be a mother and grandmother, he lived to have four surviving children, to see two of his children get married and become parents and he lived to have four grandchildren. And despite him living on a teacher's not-so-big salary (and a pensioner's salary), he got to see the world. And not to mention the things he had done for the family... I mean, if that's not a fulfilled life, I don't know what is.
And now, he doesn't have to endure the pains of this world anymore. I will always remember what my friend said to me when I asked for her advice on how to cope (she lost her mother last year), "This world is so dirty. The real world is where he is at now, babe. Eventhough it sounds cliche, but he is at a better place because this world, right now, is only temporary." What she said struck me. She was right. This world right now IS only temporary. We still have to keep fighting and be strong.
Our whole life is a test. And we are being tested everyday.
But for him, his test is over. All he has to do right now is just rest and sleep.
Oh.. how much I miss you, Ayah. There are so many things I want to tell you. How I wish you could be here, with us but that would be selfish of me cos you are at a better place, god willing.
I love you and I miss you.